I Spent $35 on Disney's Jungle Cruise So You Didn't Have To
By Xander Townsend | Misfit Media Editor
(Spoiler Free)
Not only do you require a Disney+ subscription to view Disney's new film Jungle Cruise, but you also need to make a $34.99 contribution to their Premiere Access subscription. With cinemas remaining closed and the aftermath of Hollywood's inability to adapt, subscription services have decided that the original fee isn't enough. With all the financial atrocities associated with this film's release, I am surprised that my main issue doesn't lie with its viewing cost.
Jungle cruise, released in 2021, is very easily one of the worst films I have seen released In the past 10 years, competing with Independence Day: Resurgence for the top spot on my list of 'worst films ever made'. The film wasn't completely deplorable or an entertainment atrocity, but it committed the ultimate Hollywood sin. A film with a $200 Million budget had absolutely no excuse for complete and utter mediocracy.
There is nothing that bothers me more when it comes to big budget cinema than when a film bores me. Even with low budget indie films there are many levels of entertainment involved with terribly made practical effects or a script that never should have passed concept. Laughing at a bad film that’s known for being terrible is entertainment in itself, but sitting through a generic attempt at an underwhelming knock off Pirates of the Caribbean and National Treasure love child, was a waste of both my time and money.
Disney has done what they usually do and slapped some generic feel good music behind a completely unconvincing love story and a script attempting to teach children that ''love conquers all''. I don’t really know why I was hoping for something different as when it comes to Disney's live action that haven't given me a reason to, but I thought I would at least be entertained by one aspect of this film. Unfortunately, the script was generic, the CG was average but acceptable, the acting was as you would expect yet disinteresting, and the sets where an attempt to cover up its complete mediocracy. I didn't pay an additional $35 for generic, average, disinteresting and mediocre.
With a surprisingly acceptable IMDb rating of 6.7/10 and a Rotten Tomatoes audience rating of 92%, I don’t like being pandered to for 2 hours and 7 minutes. I've decided I don’t have the energy to exhibit more passion then the directors of this beyond stale family film with a budget that could have gone to better things, so I've decided to leave it at.